Last Entry of 2008

Well here it is, the moment we've all been waiting for: the year is just about finished and we're just about to move into 2009. I can't say that 2008 has been good; I think it's had its shares of highs and lows, but more of the lows.

As in accordance with my life's turn of events, a lot of this year has been about my inability to prioritize things in my life: school, faith, family, friendships, and even the trivial things like playing the guitar or videogames. All it ended up being was catch-up and consolations; I can't say I like that. In fact, I will say that I hate it. I've disappointed a lot of people with this procrastinator's mentality: myself, my family, my friends, teachers. I must change this.

Where there was also loss of willpower and work ethic, there was also loss of others in life. This year has been full off loss all around and just being in the community exposes it to me. Two stick out to me this year: one in the beginning of the year and one near the end. I won't mention names out of respect but it truly does disappoint me that this year, as promising as people make it out to be, only gives out pain. For them, and for all we lost this year, rest in peace.

Perhaps like my parents, I've been estranged from some of the closer friends in my life whether it be of my own alienation or of their unknown motives. Truth be told, it sucks to know that you ended up alienating your own friends, ones that you've known for the better part of your life. What hurts more, though, is your friends forcing the end of a friendship for their own selfish suppositions where they can not see the error of their ways and disposition. Maybe it is better that way.

Faith has been a rollercoaster ride this year. As with every year, I resolved to re-establish my faith life with God. I can say that I did that this year and this happened with Senior Peer Ministry as well as Encounter XXVI. But, as others often say, there will always be the period after the religious high where you come crashing down to Earth. That's happened to me three times this year: once after the Senior Peer Minsitry retreat, once after Encounter XXVI, and the last after Encounter XXVII. I will say I'm disappointed in myself for not making a more conscious effort to retain some of the things I promised myself; I hope the year will change.

Friendships took a drastic turn this year. As with other people, I branched out to a more "real world" environment. The social action against Scientology was a major catalyst in this. It brought me friendships with like-minded people that I still hold today; I am happy because of this. It is good to be exposed to the world that will follow out of this bubble-world of private school. I've cultivated my own friendships within school too, fostering them out of acquaintance and receiving more than I thought.

What can I say about love? As always, I've been disappointed. I came close though, and for that I am happy, regardless of how things turned out. While it may have been the reason for my Sonnets, it's something that I wish I could eternally hold dear. It's a double-edged sword, I guess.

I must change my life, that much is sure. My resolutions are as follows:

1. Set my priorities in my life.
   
2. Do not do things last minute; plan ahead and take responsibility for my homework, work, and other responsibilities that I may have.
3. Do not alienate others and truly relish the friendships I have now; do not lose what I must hold so dear.
   
4. Build on the faith I re-established with God. Go to every Sunday mass and the two days of obligations.
5. Stay connected with family and hold a good relationship with them; that means mom, pa, Roy, and Nanay.
   
6. Set my goals and actually follow through in the process and execution of the goals.
7. Get in shape and do not neglect to take care of myself.
   

Here's to a good 2009!

Sonnet XXI

For five long years it has been cold and bleak;
Perhaps it more, I was never so sure
If that was true or if it be so weak
A lie that time has forced me to endure.
I've gone and searched to fill this aging void
With what I turned to love in my posthaste;
Though it has not returned I have enjoyed
The feigning joys of love that I had chased.
But looking back I know I worked in vain;
No love did come to me in those five years.
The aches of heart, not theirs, on this campaign
Has driven me to cry these made-up tears.
I shall not chase the dreams my heart creates;
I tire waiting for illusioned dates.

Sonnet XX

As always, now I fall to wistful thought:
Love that was found once in a quickened haze,
Or feelings sent of love that was distraught,
Or my affects not caught by hazel gaze.
I sought to gain what I had never had,
Be it the grace of beauty in her strides
Or flush of mind in secret glamour clad
Or poetry she writes, but then she hides.
Oh I have cried no tears for these three deaths
Of likely bonds that I may never hold!
They do not cry for me beneath their breaths
For they have found their loves in better gold.
If they be silver, I present my rust
So I may fade 'gainst other lovers' lust.

Sonnet XIX

Perhaps these words would serve as futile spears
That dented not the heart but warming air,
And if they be then I be moved to tears
That fall not for a loss but her lacked care.
I fear she does not know what lies beneath
These cloaked-and-daggered rhymes, or if she know
At all that these be writ 'neath cunning's sheath
For her to see affections on new snow.
But then my thoughts draw far from ill-struck hope
And wander in the quiet stars of peace;
That she might know the gravity and scope
Of these and let my heart rest now with ease.
To you, I call, reflect my growing plight
With words of yours or ease me from your sight.

Sonnet XVIII

What once was dead has found its way to life;
Some tear-stained words were born on those blue clouds.
Now this poor past has come to walk past strife
And come to terms with thoughts once drowned in shrouds.
I wrote her once, or twice, some months ago,
Some words transposed on blue clouds like her own.
But I assumed she did not read or know
Of what I wrote that night. How had I known
It was withheld for her to see with time?
I stand the fool in judging with blind thoughts
That she be feigning in this misled crime.
Her sincere words succeed these twisted knots.
So let us talk and share what we did once.
Let closure take the place of wrong silence.

Sonnet XVII

If time had stayed a guest in our fair days,
Instead of walking to its pacing march
And bringing us along to change our ways,
Then I would wait to finish this love's arch.
And if the days would wait and stay awhile
While I thought ways to build from out of naught,
Then this be true: I'd love your growing smile
While Cupid's stylings send affections taught.
But as it stands, time forces me along
And days grow short with Winter's looming air.
Though in this rush, these feelings do grow strong
While trembling eyes look to your heart as fair.
So by time's hand I do extend my own
To ask of yours to walk past the unknown.

Sonnet XVI

That day where minds did wander tinted hues
A pact was signed, though not of ink but word.
Wherein one'd paint with whites on blacks and blues
The other'd draw with rhythm formed absurd.
In telling now, no pretence is displayed;
No gifts of intellect are standing near.
Incessant ramblings move to be arrayed;
These nothings can't be set to be so dear:
For sands of time must pass for wisdom's growth
And words much be exchanged for sentiment
To be of worth. O, this be true of both
Agreed, else turn to a quaint detriment.
These words precurse that promised, forming verse.
Upon return, these words will reimburse.

Sonnet XV

In truth, I did not think it pass as quick
As fate would make it so. It was profound
And shapèd thoughts that dealt with love born sick;
Why then time's haste to set it in the ground?
Perhaps it be to move from that which hurt,
As chancing love does often strike quick blows
To gambling hearts which sooner may revert
To wand'ring wastes, dead under newborn snows.
Or maybe then to wish them well to do
In unity where discord once was set.
Still yet, perchance, of chances to renew
Acquaintance where now sits this cold regret.
Alas it be of finding what may be
Or else teased truth where dimming eyes do see.

Sonnet XIV

The men of old did say that time heals all
With its own passing through the path of days.
Though time be old, it shows no greys that call
To full attent how age has had its ways.
And this be true of love with its own plan:
From time to time the errs in number grow
And judgement sorts the king from peasant man;
Learned lessons stem from unrequited woe.
But he moves on from mem'ries once of love,
Yet too of pain, and loves that never were.
Remembrances, with time, do fly above
That wistful soul when thoughts anew do stir.
Now with his hand, take yours and bid adieu
To this poor soul, who's started now anew.

Intermezzo: Cosmic Irony

Sonnet XIII

Goodbye, I say, to that which I've held dear
In spite of no returns of what I'd said
Today or last or years no longer here.
Let go this err and slowly rest its head.
Goodbye, to you, and talks that never flew
Beyond the paltry sums of bygone days.
And never past the words that spoke untrue
Of failed intents; I never did amaze.
I say goodbye but mean not an offence
But simply bid farewell to that which meant
The world to me. So now I leave here, hence,
And walk the winding roads: some straight, some bent.
Farewell to thee; do not look back to these
But move in grace while I fade to the breeze.

Sonnet XII

I'll never stand amongst the tailored crowd,
Set still to cut away the newest one
Who'll march along in time with faces proud
And hands that join before the setting sun.
I'll not be one to win with a masked face
And smiles that feign a man who is approved
By those who do conform and render grace
When honesty and truth are then removed.
I'll not be pushed to fit the mold to please,
Where wit and mind and soul do none to sail
Among the troubled tempests of these seas
Where others' dying ships and crews do fail.
Now that I've lost in this endearing quest,
I urge this better man to do his best.

Sonnet XI

In setting up the question that bears death
I saw no fault in ways that walked to ask.
But cities fall and man turns to the breath
From whence it came. All ends with this small task.
With these black eyes I see the one who'd win
Her holy hand, with crimson bonds approved.
If union serve their choir be, mine din.
If gold they be, this rust must be removed.
All those in last walk on; if fourth or third
Or closer still, as if in second-place,
Words writ will fall in vain; they'll not be heard;
Now gone from suitor's eyes her wand'ring grace.
I once had faith and hope, the loves of man;
Though now this failure ends 'fore it began.

Sonnet X

Oh fate, you've pushed me to accept your deal;
Surrender all that I've seen fit to give.
I once had hope but night did come and steal
Those winds that made these faithful sails to live.
I've seen the melody harmonious
In twisting their own fated strands to hold,
Where once I stood erroneous
To speak with naught against a wall of gold.
And this quick truth does now mark a descent
Of dying loves where once there had been life
Placed with the night on a dead man's crescent,
Though forced in vain to live in endless strife.
Now to the victor go these saintly spoils
While to the grave go ghosts of these last toils.

Sonnet IX

The pen has stopped this weak and humble mind,
And truth made blind these quick and fading eyes.
Thoughts dance about, those which do move behind
Fall's cold and dying sun. This love, it dies,
When placed beneath the face of judging life.
But when it sees the dreams and fates of man
It grows against the parting sorrow's strife
And does grow strong in spite of time's own span.
So why do I leave torment for this love,
That dies and lives again as with the tide?
Perhaps it moves with fate from God above
Or with strange thoughts, with logic pushed aside.
I've never yet to set this love to fade
Else it would die in others' lasting shade.

Sonnet VIII

If this be less than bold forgive the tone;
I thought of ways to tell you this small truth.
First frank speech, perhaps you and I alone,
But I recalled the letdowns of past youth.
I write this sonnet now in earnest fear,
I've thought of it before, but my heart dropped.
I've set to ask of you, in my words dear,
And seek response before time's hands have stopped.
A supper quick, on a December night,
Six past the noon and second of the days.
A friend has gifted me this rich delight;
Think not of funds, for neither of us pays.
Gift my own heart with your response of "yes"
Or let it be, and never more progress.

Sonnet VII

I know not how to move, to give a life
To my own wand'ring thoughts or questions deep
That deal with adoration. Present strife
Does rear its head in my light valour's sleep.
A supper asked, if luck be kind to speech,
Would sing to her had I the knighthood's heart.
The art of film would welcome her to reach
Words joined to wit, and nevermore apart.
I've sat and dreamt of ways to win her "yes",
But never have I found a way to talk.
I only wish for her, in love, to bless
My ears and heart; take those first steps and walk.
Still I do think I never will amass
The nerve to ask her to a night, fair lass.

Sonnet VI

On one cold night she did divulge a truth,
Apologies that fended off my thought
Of intellect. I did recall our youth
And wronged soliloquies which my heart caught.
No words were rendered under sense of mind.
In place of them were simple words of doubt,
Concerning authenticity. If blind
Love be, as sayings go, I walked without
My sense. Could chance appear for unrequite?
Did luck arrive for my unwav'ring hope?
Or was it false, to quell my dreams in spite,
And draw the tears to flow, to never cope.
Still I stand at a crossroads over vast
Decisions, and of love, that time has passed.

Sonnet V

Why then do I make haste in this travail?
Is it for dreams, ideal but never real?
Not reason; cooler minds never prevail,
Nor status; mine is lesser. Still I feel
Attraction to her mind, and soul, and wit.
On these I've built the talks that tear my heart
Yet build it up in time. I do admit
My choices seem recoiled. Did I depart
Just recently from a failed port on shore?
I tell the truth, I've sailed to fill a void
And in that quest time's forced it to be more.
In my own words, it's one that I've enjoyed.
It's for her comfort, kind and pure in sense
That comes through love, but first through my offence.

Sonnet IV

In vain I act to win her darling eyes
And yet I move without a suitor's grace.
The man I am, I look, and then despise
And move in shame to cover up my face.
Her words are those, with me, she does not share.
When we do speak we never share the bond
That graces loves. No empathy or care
Does she extend to me in my sad state.
This journey long I've walked but never quit,
I dream to reap the goals that can't be reached.
She's known the whole way through, and what of it?
This wall, I know quite true, cannot be breached.
But as we speak our hollow words in bliss
I fear this love for her will end a-miss.

Sonnet III

A yearbook first, a call of memories
To be drawn in, 'midst pages filled with lines
And lines of others' longing words. He sees
An int'rest underneath her friendly signs
Of faith. And from this quest he misconstrues
A love that might reciprocate his own.
In sharing drinks her words do not confuse
But rather lie. For this he can't atone
For the mistake he made in keeping faith
With one, as her, who'd rather move along.
The dawn of end is near, as is the wraith
To bring his death knell in the form of song.
It once had held the words for them to share:
"Everlong". And she, lost love, cannot care.

Sonnet II

I sit and write the words of days gone by:
Your spontaneity that gave sails wind
And my acceptance, letting my dreams fly.
I thought not of the time or how I'd sinned,
For time seemed not a player in our game.
A tapestry of schemes we weaved in stone,
It feigned our shared beliefs and would be name.
So then I ventured deep in the unknown
And with no torch I walked the barren lands
That once had been alight with your sweet smiles
While marked with guarantees by your swift hands.
In looking through the dark I walked past trials
Passing them with ease; I would not find your
Promises but lose you forevermore.

Sonnet I

If one should say the words they truly meant
Then shadows cast would be as long as nil.
Her words would not be misconstrued or bent
Nor would his talks be puzzling. Words were still;
They grew to move and set in stone the deals
Of days to come and walks that shared the sea.
But things did change for them as one who steals
And gives to poor: a failed gratuity.
Still though the thoughts that linger on resist
The calls of sense and logic calling forth
A new mindset to shun the love that missed.
But still those memories are gold in worth.
And lacking for these two are words that fall
And close the feud; if only by a call.

Whoso List to Hunt

Whoso list to hunt, I know where is an hind,
But as for me, hélas, I may no more.
The vain travail hath wearied me so sore,
I am of them that farthest cometh behind.
Yet may I by no means my wearied mind
Draw from the deer, but as she fleeth afore
Fainting I follow. I leave off therefore,
Sithens in a net I seek to hold the wind.
Who list her hunt, I put him out of doubt,
As well as I may spend his time in vain.
And graven with diamonds in letters plain
There is written, her fair neck round about:
"Noli me tangere," for Caesar's I am,
And wild for to hold, though I seem tame.

- Sir Thomas Wyatt

When You Are Old

When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And his his face amid a crowd of stars.

- William Butler Yeats

Of Spontaneity

Perhaps it was wrong to start off so spontaneously. Words exchanged; were they of merit? What truths did hers hold and why did I oblige so meaninglessly? Nonetheless I continued. And I would promise art; but what value would these lines-drawn-upon-lines have when it was done?

What of the outreach? To make something out of something so very insignificant at the time? Why interfere in something that was not fated... or perhaps it was? One can never be so sure. There was no turning back in those words but it was done. To go out on a limb, to get to the fruit. This gamble, this risk, was it all worth it?

And so it was set, maybe not in stone, but in the moveable slate of time. A day of promise and a day of reckoning. This was glad news at the time and so it reflected upon character. The risks continued but in such insignicant manner: coffee and perhaps more words built upon these. And they were met with open arms, the suggestion not shot down in pre-flight for once. The happiest days of life.

The words of such days were so very profound. The etched promises in the compromising slate of time. Of future, her words echoing the sentiment that could never be said. This future, this good future, set out in what seemed to be stone. No wrenches in these plans, only the finality of wishful thinking. Shared drinks and shared meals and to return to normality, only until the next day.

Oh, to be rendered null by the visions that were seen! To have requests shot down in pre-flight, following the context that coffee had laid out! And to see that these words were quiet lies in the fabric of her weaving. To see the coffees and the talks and the meals thrown to nothingness! To see them whittle away to the nothingness from which they were drawn. And conclusions were drawn in this haze of words said and unsaid.

So the inevitability of it all came crashing down, with profound force. This was the end and yet hope for a better future was considered. Perhaps a rough patch or perhaps just distance but, as they say, absense makes the heart grow fonder. And so the week was left and nothing came about. No words were exchanged.

The promised Saturday came about. A promise of hope and of bonds sat on the threshold in wait for those few simple words. But there was no return now: the guess of inevitability would be correct. Though the words did take flight, they were rendered null by her own. And that was it.

It had gone as quickly as it had come.

Oh, spontaneity.

Nostalgia: September 22, 2007

From Chocolate Reign. A pretty early entry.

The Final Cut

The threshold stood in front of him, ajar with a glittering promise. It was hope; hope from which it was found and hope by which the future would be shaped. His proxy delivered messages of neither intent or expression, though implicit thought would have deemed such to be true. It was quite the novel situation: in through the out door.

Ironic, however, that this door would shut. And with it the hope diminished. He trembled, quivering with silent words. Nothing could be thought, no coherent speech could be uttered. Ever slightly he moved about the shut door. It was not locked; it left only a bleeding of light to deliver an infintessimal glimpse. It was not much. It was not enough.

Options debated within his mind. A few options sought to disturb the door, but none would avail. They never could. A distant beat echoed beyond the portal. It was foreign, now, and could not be retrieved. A trail of consciousness was strewn upon the ground and disappeared once it reached him.

And so he abandoned it.

I Wish I Was Rick Astley

(October 6, 2007)

Nostalgia: December 17, 2007

I found this on the Chocolate Reign blog that I used to co-author.

Crank Dat Roosevelt: A Literary Analysis of one of our Generation's Masterpieces

In the modern world, we look for meaning within the media and entertainment convolution of the world. In Soulja Boy's "Crank Dat", one finds meaning in the deliberate repetition of certain phrases and words. This enlightenment is divided into three phases: the repetition 0f thought, the exposition of ideas, and the inhibition of explicit meaning. All three are effective in relaying the message of the song: that one's life should be not be hindered by the obstacles placed in pursuit of suppression.

Within the refrain lies the focal point of the song; it is a repetition of one's own desire to "crank dat", "roll," and "Superman dat hoe." When simply reading the lyrical content of the song, one cannot simply discern what kind of ideals that these words achieve. "Crank dat," within the context of the refrain, is repeated six times. Now, if one were to simply place that in the refrain without context, it would make no sense. This ideal is contrary to the message of the refrain. To "crank dat", to "roll", to "Superman dat hoe;" these are all key concepts that serve as a constant reminder of a willingness to persist in ideas. In layman's terms, this refrain serves as lyrical genius; it affirms Soulja Boy's belief to never compromise.

The verses are subtle reminders of Soulja Boy's beliefs and ambitions. He, in his young age, aspires to "crank dat Robocop, super fresh" as well as "lean[ing] to the left and crank dat dance." These are not the ambitions of the everyman. Rather, they are dreams of the elite dreamers, those who aspire to lead the world in revolution. His beliefs go opposed, yes, but he refutes his detractors saying that he will "jock on yo bitch ass" as well as "cock on your bitch". This hatred, stemming from his possession of "bathing apes", is not justified in comparison to Soulja Boy's infallibility: "they look at [his] neck, saying it's the rubberband man,"; they "can't do it like [him]." He reminds them of this through reaffirmation: "I see you tryna do it like me; man that shit was ugly."

However, Soulja Boy does not achieve his spread of ideals through explicit statement. Rather, he relies on subtleties that must be interpreted by his audience. His "bathing apes"; what are they? The literal meaning of such a statement is that they are apes submerged in water to clean. Is this what he is truly trying to convey? Rather, what is this jealousy that is felt towards his bathing apes? They are not made to be interpreted literally; their meaning is made to be extrapolated in conjunction with the lyric placed in its series. Further proof lies within this masterful lyric: "crank dat Roosevelt." How does one "crank" Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 32nd president of the United States of America? Is one expected to find his remains and crank them, literally? No. This name is merely a platform by which ideals must be hoisted on the banister of liberty. Soulja Boy's subtle phrases and words achieve much more than the greatest orators could ever hope to dream.

Soulja Boy achieves much more than the so-called "literary greats" of recent times. His works are much better than those of Harper Lee or William Shakespeare or even Ernest Hemingway. The one pinnacle of modern triumph, "Crank Dat", relies on much more than explicitness to relay thoughts. He achieves transcendency of literature through repetition, exposition, and implication. These, much more relevant than dated English writers, are words that speak only one ideal. This is an ideal of truth.

Post Pending

I'm going to write a long entry once again.

Just not now.

Holy shit.

I have messed up dreams.

That is all.

Yesterdays...

"Yesterday, there were so many things I was never told. Now that I'm startin' to learn, I'm feel I'm growin' old."

I guess it's a given. You sit back and bide your time, watching time go by, watching your summer start to go to waste. (And how does it go to waste in such short time?) You've got your newsfeeds and your blogs and all 'em, and then you've got your Facebooks or your MSNs or your forums. One thing leads to another and you start talking to people you wouldn't think you'd talk to again. Then it hits: Nostalgia

I was never one for moving on. The world moves by and so does everybody else but me? I just sit and look back at yesterday. What I had, what I lost, what could've been. I deal in the hypothetical and I see with rose-tinted glasses. Nostalgia does that to you. It makes you think everything's still the same, that you'll get the same reactions you had years ago. It doesn't say, "Oh, don't say this; you won't get the response you wanted." Instead, nostalgia dabbles and plays with your memories, often confusing them with the present.

It's like getting drunk, only on sentimentality. I can say that I've done stupid things out of the longing of nostalgia. Maybe I've fallen for somebody again for what I used to see. Maybe I think that them talking to me again is a sign, but it's all in vain, ain't it? I read too deeply into things. A polite conversation can turn into "a sign" of things that "might happen". But they're only ever just conversations out of politeness. No nudging, no leanings one way or another. It's trivial to think otherwise.

So here I stand, looking at the last month. Nostalgia has steered me wrong. I could sit here and say, "Oh, it was a failed experiment," or, "Oh, it'll pass," but it won't. The nostalgia stays and, with sentimentality, is just something that makes me who I am. Maybe it's good to, once in a while, look back on the past and see what you have. Maybe it's good to pretend you're where you were all those years ago and pretend you've got another shot. Maybe it's good to look back at the things that shape and and put you where you are today. Nobody learned anything without having to fall first.

But it's better, at least for me, to look to the future. Perhaps there's something to be had at the end of this journey. Maybe it's just wistful thinking. Who knows?

Sooner or later, I'll fall for it again. Nostalgia; oh how the ghost of you clings. And I guess, looking at this entry, sooner has come a lot quicker than I thought it would.

"Cause yesterday's got nothin' for me, old pictures that I'll always see. Time just fades the pages in my book of memories."

Nostalgia

"Oh, how the ghost of you clings."

Now playing? Sonic Youth's Superstar

A School Year in Review

It's the 24th of June. I'm listening to Journey and, of course, writing a blog entry. There has been a lot on my mind lately. I'm pretty sure that, instead of being a dedicated review of the school year, this will become a mass of my thoughts over the last few days, or weeks.

A retrospective; First half (September to December)

Let's begin with a look at the year, shall we? A bit of preamble here. The summer prior to the Grade 11 year was filled with the same old, usual nothings. August was filled with work. Whether it was the actual job I had or the time-consuming extra-credit Socials 11 project, I found that a lot of my time was devoted to these. My job went to hell; all of the old co-workers who I had worked with in my earlier months (2006) slowly drifted away from work. I would find that I would drift as well. The extra-credit work was stressing because I never found that I had the work ethic to finish it. When crunch time came around, only then would I work on it. This procrastination would spread the seeds of my decline to come.

September seemed like it offered optimism. A new year, new classes, more freedom in the way of administration relations; it seemed like the year would be good. Still, stupidly, I'd have the feelings for somebody who, in retrospect, was a foolish gamble. Perhaps there's a section for love, though. The work didn't seem so bad but, as it was to be expected, it was only the beginning of the year. October rolled around and, to be honest, I can't remember much of that. Halloween was the obligatory Guy Fawkes mask with casuals. November I can't remember either except for "Remembrance Day Hockey". It was the first time, if I remember correctly, that we gathered together to play some hockey for a good few hours. Things went well but I remember spraining my ankle on a slap-shot. Terrible.

With December came Christmas fever. I don't remember if I had money to get people gifts; I can't remember if I even got my family gifts. I know; it's terrible. I suck at managing my own money. I can't remember much in the way of school; I was caught up in the fever that was Rock Band. Revolution for the rhythm-game industry. It played to my liking of genres and, of course, liking of instrumental peripherals. I was shot down when I didn't get it for Christmas. That was really selfish. It was stupid. I wasn't content with what I had. And the year ended on a sour note as well.

A retrospective; Second half (January to June)

As the hours, to minutes, to seconds ticked away on the 31st of December, I thought that 2008 would be different. I thought 2008 would be a clean slate for me. I set out my resolutions for the year and, as I lay here with this laptop, I see that none of my resolutions have come to fruition. Perhaps in another time, things would have been different. As they stand now, however, they do not.

January brought the exam crunch. I didn't end up studying much, if at all, and as a result my exams suffered. I hit Bs across the board in most subjects (at least the ones I know of) and I'm sure I ended up a disappointment. The report cards rolled around and I managed to stay on the 4.0 roll. I guess it was luck that I didn't hit the Bs for the academic subjects. February I cannot quite remember either. I don't remember anything eventful. The same goes for March and April. I've got quite the troubled memory, though, so I'm probably missing something really important.

May was a month where I could not wait for the summer. I realized then that the year had gone to hell for me; there was no way I could possibly redeem my grades. I slacked off more, missed school because of unfinished homework, and let my social life take over my academics. Perhaps I should've seen that as a signal of my failures and should have tried to amend that; I didn't. Before I knew it, June rolled around and so did exam studying. Of course, I didn't study for those exams. I threw it all away. All that potential to do well was thrown away for the pursuit of a good time. My exam marks suffered as a result; it was only by luck that I did not fail those exams. I had truly hit rock bottom.

And while I lay here and remember the promise I told my parents, I remember that I never won any awards. Crumbling under pressure or just a failure to live up to my potential?

The Classes

Math 11 - The last year of Math I would ever take. It was a decent year. There were about 5 guys in this class but I don't think any of us minded. I sat by the lights and door the whole year with Mike, Alfonzo, and Grace. I'd say it was good for the year; no real distractions but the ones we gave ourselves. Could've done better in terms of marks, though.

Writing 12 (Journalism) - The Green Ink. At first, I came into this course with hope. Having been switched out of B block Religion and into this, I came in expecting that this course would be good. The hope soon turned to despair, however, when I saw the cast of players. Some were great workers for the Ink; others were far too elitist in pushing their own agendas onto the school. This course is terrible when you have members of the staff who don't do their work. I'm glad it's over.

English 11 - Another year with Mr. Hughes. I can't say that this was a bad course. I can't say that it was particularly great either. What I remember, mainly, is the emphasis on essay writing. We spent many, many months on this; perhaps far too many months. As a result, this cut into our poetry time. We had about 3-4 weeks on poetry. With poetry pushed back, novel studies suffered. We had about 2 weeks on "Lord of the Flies". Great teaching but poor time management.

Writing 12 (Creative) - One of the most laid-back classes I had. It was a good experience for letting the creative juices flow for writing. It's really helped my writing style. Where once I came in with the biggest of words and the longest of sentences, I know leave with the knowledge of variety. It was stupid that this did not dawn on me before but, when you hold your own work in high regard, you tend to be blind-sided by your self-proclaimed majesty. The leeway was my downfall, however. I often used the time we had negatively and slacked off, often finishing stories or pieces a night before or on the day of the deadline. This is especially true of my 2nd-term portfolio project. Four months and I have nothing to show for it. It's worth 30% of my mark. If I've done my calculations correctly, I end up with 56% to show for the year.

Spanish 11 - Ah, Spanish. I've been with the same people for the last four years. It has been a good four years and there aren't many negatives to the whole experience. Out of Spanish, I'd say, would be Los Tres Amigos, or Palma, Bryan, and I. Extended, Matthew and Luttrell fit into that. We may have been overworked sometimes but I think that helped me study in the long run. Mr. Moscoso was a good change for a brief period but soon we were lost in the books, trying to find what we were being taught. I'm glad that Spanish is over for most of us. I can't say that Spanish 12 will be the same but I'm happy to have been granted a unique opportunity for it.

Religion 11 - This was a good class. I started out the year sitting with Etienne in the column of tables farthest from the main door. Some time in the middle of the year I switched over to sit in the third column with Bryan, Matthew, Luttrell, and Marayag (provided one of them was absent). In the final bit of the year, I sat with Sean or Etienne, with one of them nearby. Was it a good class? I'd say yes. I was afraid it would be history heavy (having seen the presentations of years past) but I was delighted to have something very different. Was I envious of Holowka's class? I'd say I would be but this class helped me rediscover my Catholic faith.

Chemistry 11 - Like Math, this would be my last Science class ever. I started out the year with promise and I still remember scoring the highest on the first test. Never again, it would seem. From then on, I would see a decline in my grasp of Chemistry. I was never one for it. I soldiered on and saw, with the Midterm, that preparation was definitely needed. I did not take the hint. I finished the Final with 68% and 83% on the year. A far cry from the 90% I had from first term. Was the drop worth the joy of not needing Science any longer? Probably not.

Socials 11 - Ironically, Socials was one of my favourite courses. Sure, I was put off my the administrative decision of Mrs. Anderson over Mr. Donnici but I persevered. Geography and government were never my strong points in the course and this showed. History was where I shone. The years of reading encyclopedias as a child and those Wikipedia late-nighters (where I would find myself going from page to page reading about history) finally paid off. Without studying, I could easily B (and A) most tests. The lack of work ethic became my downfall, however. I don't think that I did too well on the Provincial and, as a result, with my overall mark.

Goodbye World

Between studying for the Socials Provincials, playing Metal Gear Solid 4, renovations at home, and playing guitar, I don't think I'll have time to go out and socialize anymore. To help me study for Socials, I shall set out the following resolutions, in effect until Friday afternoon:

1. No MSN
2. No Facebook
3. No Internet
4. No going out until after Friday
   
5. The only computer use allowed is for word processing on a computer without internet (Mac mini)

Some very restrictive resolutions but hopefully they will help me study for Friday. Here's to four days of MGS4, Socials, renovations, and guitar.

I can be reached at 778-955-8102.

To Do: Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Math - Take home assessment
Journalism - Iron Maiden review
English - Lord of the Flies essay: Lord of the Flies as a Microcosm of Society
Writing - Short Stories (The Evil That Men Do, Juliette, Maria, Genevieve, The Trooper, The Call of the Beast)
Religion - Take home final exam

Iron Maiden: Somewhere Back in Time

6:00 PM - Doors Open
7:30 PM - 8:00 PM - Lauren Harris
8:00 PM - 8:30 PM - Intermission
8:30 PM - 10:30 PM - IRON MAIDEN

"SCREAM FOR ME, VANCOUVAAAA"

To Do: Sunday, June 1st, 2008

Due June 2nd:
Math - Coordinate Geometry: Circles
Journalism - Donnici Interview, Intramural Information, Intramural Pictures

Due June 3rd:
Religion - Final Exam (take home)

Due June 4th:
English - Lord of the Flies Essay
Writing - Short Stories (8)

Study Guides to Write:
Math
English (?)
Chemistry
Socials

I have a Spanish final today but I didn't study well for it. It covers the second half of the school year but I barely know a thing of it all. I was supposed to study over the long weekend.

I have a Writing portolio presentation on Tuesday. I proposed to write eight short stories, all of which having some sort of link to World War II. The project started four months ago; I haven't started.

I barely get any sleep anymore because I got a new laptop charger. The laptop helped in my procrastination efforts. Now the charger's broken and I'll need a new one.

I blew all of the money I was trying to save up in the last two weeks. I spent $100 in one weekend and $60 the next. I have $30 and I'm going to spend that today on wall-mounted guitar hooks. I owe my brother $60. I don't have a job and I built that money up over a few months of saving my allowance.

I bought Grand Theft Auto 4 but I don't even like it to the level that you'd think I do. I go around saying it's a great game. I just think it's above average. The graphics aren't that great and it's being held-back because of Microsoft.

I'm going to be having a small birthday get together in two weeks. It'll be a lunch at Shabusen. Because of exams, people are going to say they have exams to study for. They said it last year but I know they won't. They're going to say they're busy even though they'll have wasted the day doing nothing. Almost all of them will Judas me, like they did last year. It's what they do every year. I'll go on with the facade and act like it didn't piss me off.

I'm drifting away from the elementary friends I made. I feel as though they're alienating me. I have good will but some of them are just being elitist. I don't know why they do it. It's not like I'm going out of my way to build a better profile; I just want to hang out with the people I haven't hung out with in a while. I'm not impervious to the cold shoulder.

I have the worst luck. My G-tuner head on my guitar snapped so stringing it is a pain in the ass. I lost my MicroSD adapter so I can't put anymore files on it. My laptop charger's broken and it'll cost another $50 to get a new one. The ReadyBoost on my USB drive is incompatible with Windows XP. My alarms never go off when want them too. My hair always ends up looking like shit after an hour. I broke the family digicam after dropping it. The photos for my hockey intramural article get deleted off of the school camera. Shoot to Thrill loses in the finals and I pull my groin. Meanwhile, my brother finds money on the streets and my dad finds a brand new Mac mini.

I don't know what to do about love.

A list of things to save for

Another list for myself here. Just some things to save up for.

Guitars and Music

• Ernie Ball Strings (Electric) - $10?
  
• Choices are
  
• 8-11-14-20-30-38 (8s RPS)
  
• 9-14-18p-28-38-48 (9s RPS)
  
• 9-11-16-24-32-42 (Hybrid 9s RPS)
  
• Wall-mounted guitar holders - $15 each
• One for acoustic
• One for electric
• Preferably black
• Traynor YCV80Q Combo - $1200
• 4x10
• Traynor Extension Cabinet - $500
• 2x12
• New Guitar
• Acoustic Drum-set
  

Television and Entertainment

• Sharp Aquos 42" LCD TV - $2000
  
• 1080p capable
• Dualshock 3 PS3 Controller- $55
• Metal Gear Solid 4 - $60
• Got it for $12 (Thanks Tuliao), pending release and pick-up
  
• Resistance: Fall of Man - $60
• Uncharted: Drake's Fortune - $60
  
• Resistance 2 - $60
• Fall 2008
• LittleBigPlanet - $60
• October 2008

Computers

• Asus eee PC 900 - $550+$30
• 20 GB storage
• 1 GB RAM
• Preferably black
  
• (1 GB DDR-533/677 RAM - $30)
• New PC (Unknown Price)
• 1 TB HDD - $200
  
• GeForce 9900 Video Card
• Quad-core Processor
• Windows Vista (Ugh)
• Unknown other quantities

Bring on the summer working.

Change

Change is the continual process of growth or modification basic to life. As the pace of change quickens, openness to new ways of thinking, acting, and relating is essential so that all people may survive and thrive. Change is something that the world needs to enact in order for human kind, not only as a society, but as a species to survive into the future. In spite of all the challenges that have arisen over the most recent decades, humanity continues to start the processes of change, however slowly they may be.

At our school, there is not so much an institution of change internally. There is the changing of students and the passing on of leadership but aside from these seemingly-ceremonious events, there is not much in the way of change. There is human outreach to help those in need and those impoverished as well as those affected worldwide by the numerous catastrophes that plague the world yearly, but there is nothing to introduce change for our own immediate society. While it is good and very Christian to put the needs of others before ourselves, change within our own community should be a high priority, especially if negative issues exist.

To address the concept of change, the school should be more vigilant in addressing issues that need to be change for the better. To find these issues and identify them, the student body’s input must be placed in high importance and the words of the eighth graders should hold the same importance as the words of the twelfth graders. Issues should be addressed and dealt with regardless of simplicity or seeming unimportance. If not the most pressing of concerns, they should be dealt with nonetheless, perhaps with fewer resources allocated to the cause. This is the first step towards change; moving towards solving the problems and enacting new routines will ease the way for change.

Regarding worldwide change, the school does much in ways of awareness, relief, and aid. Just recently assemblies regarding Darfur and the pursuit of ensuring human rights for all have been shown; this, as well as any information given about world events, aids in the process for change. To change an issue, one must first know about the issue and then gradually understand it. In terms of relief, there are the occasional drives to collect relief, both monetary and material, to help the impoverished and needy. Within the city of Vancouver, the proceeds of can-drives and the like go to aid those who cannot supply themselves with the necessities of life. As far as aid goes, the school goes on to donate, as in the case for Myanmar, on donation or fundraiser cases. These aids help to ease in change gradually: awareness starts the process of change, relief helps the process along, and aid ensures those who need help are supported for change.

Relative to the global scale, the school should take stances on change and the initiative to, perhaps, start campaigns to advocate change. As a Catholic school, it makes sense that we should support causes that promote loving solutions to problems (with love in the sense of fair treatment and bounds within human rights) rather than radical or violent solutions. In addition, it should also encourage students to support causes for change in the world, no matter how trivial it may be. After all, change comes about in many sizes and forms. With this base of students supporting their own platforms, it would only come naturally that word be spread by word of mouth, intentionally or unintentionally, and this would benefit the causes for change for the better.

As far as achievements go, the school has no bounds by which it is restrained. With the achievements in the past that this school has achieved, in comparison to its resources, there is no doubt that the school could go far in a campaign of change. The developed world lends a keen eye to the grassroots campaigns of politicians; should the same not apply to change?

A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Kofi Annan, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Voltaire, L. Ron Hubbard.

One of these things is not like the other. If you said “L. Ron Hubbard,” then you are correct.

On May 12th, the Youth for Human Rights International organization came to our school and hosted an assembly on human rights. For the uninformed, this may have seemed like an ordinary assembly to raise awareness on an issue that we, as Catholics, should be aware of. Sure, this got the point across that human rights should be protected. If you still have the booklet that was handed out, take a look inside and flip to the second-to-last page. The five men listed above are called “famous human rights leaders”. I was not aware that L. Ron Hubbard was a “humanitarian” who “advanced human rights by working bravely for what [he] believed in.”

Humanitarian? I thought L. Ron Hubbard was the creator of the million-dollar “Church of Scientology”.

As it turns out, Youth for Human Rights International is based at 1332 L. Ron Hubbard Way in Los Angeles, California. Also based in Los Angeles is one of Scientology’s “Advanced Organizations”, specialized in delivering higher training to Scientologists. Like Scientology, they are a tax-exempt organization. The group advocates human rights and believes they should be upheld in any situation.

While human rights should be recognized in all situations, is a group so closely linked to Scientology the best way to promote the fair treatment of all individuals? As they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. The 1976 Scientologist “Operation Freakout” was aimed at ruining the life of critic Paulette Cooper. In 1990, Noah Lottick committed suicide after investing thousands of dollars in Scientology, clutching his last dollars. In 1995, 35-year old Lisa McPherson died while under care of Scientologists. The “fair-game” and “disconnection” policies also segregate and attack people. With a group linked so closely to Scientology, are these the people we want spreading the word of human rights? Furthermore, should we approve of their advocacy of L. Ron Hubbard? There are more prominent humanitarians out there not linked to a dirty cult.

If you are sceptical on the links between Youth for Human Rights International and Scientology, look no further than their website. Under “YHRI Collaborators” (found in the “About YHRI” section), a link to the Church of Scientology can be found. Not convinced yet? In 1995, the Hamburg Senate (in Germany) released a report on Scientology and its structure. In an internal memo, it was revealed that “All organizations and groups form a global network. Each one has its own individual role and responsibilities. But all service organizations have the goal to draw attention to L. Ron Hubbard’s technology and deliver it to the public.”

Don’t get me wrong; the aim here is not to detract from human rights. These should be upheld because everybody has the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That’s not the point. The point here is to expose the modern day propaganda of Scientology. If the organization didn’t tout L. Ron Hubbard as such a saintly figure, I wouldn’t have written this article. The fact remains, though, is that they do and, as revealed by the Hamburg Senate, their ulterior motive is clear.

As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”

Human Rights

Human rights are the minimum conditions necessary for the healthy growth of individuals and peoples. Minimum human rights include sufficient life goods, availability of education and work, cultural acceptance, economic justice, and the right to political participation. The struggle towards universal promotion of human rights has been an issue in the world for quite some time. However, only recently have strides towards human rights been made evident in the world. Just as with peace and political participation, the promotion of basic human rights has flourished in the developed world. There are very little instances in modern history in the developed world, such as in North America and Western Europe, where human rights have been denied to people. However, one widely known denial of human rights has been the treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba by Americans.

In the developing world, just as with political participation and peace, basic human rights have been ignored and not been granted to many who are oppressed or not the most prosperous in society. As previously mentioned, the Darfur genocide is one such instance where the human rights of entire villages are denied by the militarist ideals of the Sudanese and Janjaweed. Oppressive governments also disregard human rights, as in China and, more recently, in Myanmar in the case of the oppressed monks and the withholding of aid relief in the wake of the cyclone Nargis. The people do not only die because of the denial of rights; those who live continue to be oppressed and those in power flourish because of their ease of access to the basic necessities of human life.

Like peace and political participation, we believe that human rights should be promoted and granted to all people, regardless of where they are in the world. In this world, many people are often mistreated and the careless actions of others in their lives lead to them not leading their lives to their potential. As we learned, the human rights of child workers are often denied in the developing world. We live good lives in the developed world and we don’t often think about how our lives would be different if our human rights were taken away. Those who live in the developing world often face this frequently in their lives. We think that we should not take these for granted; anything could change our lives and take away the rights that we often forget we have.

The need for recognition for human rights can be linked to the modern day issues involving Myanmar and both the persecution of protesting monks as well as the denial to accept aid after cyclone Nargis. Human rights are supposed to protect and promote the lives of people so that they can live their lives to their fullest extent as well as reach their potential. In the case of the protesting monks, the militarist government has been killing monks as well as making them “disappear”; the whereabouts of thousands of monks is unknown. The government is taking unnecessary and radical action against monks who rightly protest the government. In the case of denying aid after cyclone Nargis, the government is preventing aid to help, and potentially sustain life, of survivors of the cyclone. This move denies them the human right to life, the most basic of rights.

As Christians, promoting human rights is closely tied to Jesus’ message of love. To allow others to live, in its most basic form, is an expression of love by prevention of death. To allow for them to live their lives in the highest potential is an even more gratifying display of love. In order for human right recognition to flourish, we must take an initiative to make people aware of injustices committed against others. The more people know, the more they are likely to promote human rights. With this in mind, it is possible to achieve total recognition with enough support.

Peace

Peace can be defined as the natural fruit of justice between people and between nations, with justice as a prerequisite for true peace among peoples. The promotion of peace requires that human dignity is respected, international cooperation is achieved, a more equitable distribution of the world’s resources is put into effect, and that the arms race ends. Peace is said to be only an idealistic dream and that it is nearly impossible to achieve in this time and world. Even if this is true, peace is something that should be strived for. Despite its uncertain future, peace is used to combat situations that arise in the world all the time.

In the developed world, peace would be much easier to achieve than in the developing world. The developed world has no need to raise arms with another nation because of its prosperity (the exception being the United States of America). The developing world, however, must work harder to achieve peace. With tensions and wars that have been enacted over trivial things like land or resources, there has been a vicious cycle put into place in the developing world. The clash between nations over dwindling resources and shrinking land borders continues to this day, one of the most recent disputes over resources being the American occupation of Iraq. With little motivation to end strife and conflict, it seems that hostilities will continue.

We think that peace is a dream that we will not see. We do not even think our children will see it in their lifetimes. The world is a violent place on a larger scale, never mind the peaceful protests and the rallies that litter the world, hoping for a peaceful Earth. The world is too caught up in materialistic greed, driving nations to quarrel and fight over land and resources. That effort would be much better used in driving peace efforts between nations. If nobody takes an initiative in stopping conflict, then there is no hope of peace for the world. It takes one influential power to strive for peace; the rest will follow. With one of the world’s superpowers embroiled in a violent occupation in Iraq, however, we don’t think this will ever come to fruition.

Peace can be linked to the modern social justice issue of the Darfur genocide. As it has been revealed, the conflict and resulting genocide has been a result of conflicting groups of people, as in the Rwandan genocide, and the hatred of one group towards another, as in the Holocaust. History has seemed to repeat itself again. With peace, this could have been avoided; with peace, now, it can still be stopped. Appeasement to the Sudanese military and the Janjaweed will not help the peace process, but stoke their egos and inflate their sense of self-importance. Only true peace can bring about the end of the conflict. The resolution of the conflict, like the ideal of peace, seems far away from fruition. The Darfur genocide, officially recognized in 2003, does not show any signs of ending.

Our own awareness of the issue, coupled with political participation, can help to amend the problem and ease the damages of the genocide. By letting the people know of the destruction in Darfur, and signalling to the government the issue at hand, it is possible to relieve those displaced and suffering from the conflict. True peace will not come about by awareness, however. Peace will only come about through intervention by a third party and even then it will not end the hostilities between the conflicting people.

As Christians, we know peace and love go hand in hand. There is not much we can do but to love others as Jesus has loved us. Love is the first step in the long walk to peace. By letting people know that peace is possible through love (and the resulting emotions such as forgiveness), perhaps a social movement can take place. If it is possible to have awareness for Darfur raised, perhaps it is then possible for a peace movement to build momentum, however idealistic it is.

Political Participation

Political participation can be defined as the democratic participation in the decisions impacting one’s life, expressed for example through freedom of speech and voting. Political participation, we know, is highly evident in developed nations. North America is a large section of the world that relies on responsible political participation, that is, the participation of individuals only under certain guidelines. Dependent on area, these guidelines are supposed to ensure that political participation is done in right judgment. Federally, Canada’s voting age has been set to the age of 18 since 1970. Western and Northern Europe are also areas of the world where political participation is done under strict guidelines to ensure that the best decisions are made.

There are still some places in the world, however, where political participation are either corrupted by the government in power or disregarded completely. In newly-industrialising as well as developing countries, the voice of political participation is second to the voice of corruption within the government or from influencing powers. Countries that suffer from this are located usually within Asia, Africa, or South America. In addition to corruption, political participation is disregarded within communist, dictatorial, or even militarist regimes. In countries such as China, a totalitarian regime is in place with no democracy and penalties in place for speaking out against the government. In countries such as Cuba, the communist tendencies of the government tend to rule out the voice of the people, even though the communism places equality for all.

We, as a group, feel that political participation is not yet put into the full practice that it could be put into. We know that, in places such as Canada, political participation has been put into place and encouraged. Even though this is in place, we feel that people do not take the voting opportunity seriously. Given the opportunity, those who live under rulers who do not take their own participation would surely vote and express their political views without restraint. However, we think that people are too complacent in the developed world and that they feel they can change nothing (or do not want to change anything).

The concept of political participation can be linked to the social justice issue of totalitarian and dictatorial regimes in power across the world today. As mentioned before, China is one of the highest profile totalitarian states in recent history. The link that can be drawn between the two is to enable political participation for the people of, for example, China. In a country where protests are stopped violently (Tiananmen Square protests of 1989), political participation would hopefully allow for the peaceful demonstration of people to go unpunished. Furthermore, rightful political participation should allow for citizens to not be afraid of the state and its punishments. The people of, for example, China should not live in fear to talk against the state, nor should the state enforce its totalitarian views upon the people.

As Christians, we should respond to political participation positively, especially for the good of all people worldwide. If people live oppressed by their governments around the world, then it is very possible for Christians in the developed world to rally the people and tell the governments of issues at hand. While the government may be more concerned with internal affairs or international relations, the benefit of democracy is that the people have a say in the people in office. To help the oppressed, it is very realistic to write to the government and, if enough support is gained for the causes at hand, then the government may see that the issue is truly one that needs to be addressed. The only thing hindering this is our non-willingness to commit to the issues.

Tentative Grade 12 Schedule

A History 12
B Literature 12
C Christian Education 12
D Law 12
E Spare
F English 12
G Physical Education 12
H Information Technology 12
J Spanish 12

Life's Good

Seven months into the school year and school feels as though it's coming to a close real quickly. I'd say it's been a 180 for me in the last few weeks. No more fights with my parents, no more wasted time on hopelessness, no more uselessness of time. Even then, there have been more positives. I guess I could say I've found a great support group of friends due to the circumstances that have occurred. I'm actually saving money now and, I'm prioritizing things now. That's all for now, I guess. I've got some more writing to do.

√3

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like √3.
The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine.
For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic.
I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality.
When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three.
As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer.
We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands.
Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed.

- David Fernberg

Estranged

When I find out all the reasons maybe I'll find another way, find another day. With all the changing seasons of my life maybe I'll get it right next time. And now that you've been broken down, got your head out of the clouds. You're back down on the ground and you don't talk so loud, and you don't walk so proud, anymore.

And what for?

Well I jumped into the river too many times to make it home. I'm out here on my own, and drifting all alone. If it doesn't show give it time to read between the lines. 'Cause I see the storm getting closer and the waves they get so high. Seems everything we've ever known's here.

Why must it drift away and die?

I'll never find anyone to replace you. Guess I'll have to make it through, this time, oh this time... without you.

I knew the storm was getting closer, and all my friends said I was high. But everything we've ever known's here; I never wanted it to die.

Gotta Save

Another list for myself to keep track of. Alot easier for me to find than a sticky-note or something.

Sharp Aquos 32" LCD HDTV ($799.99)
Asus eee 4G Laptop ($399.99)
Iron Maiden Tickets ($85)
Resistance: Fall of Man ($59.99)
Uncharted: Drake's Fortune ($59.99)
PS3 Dualshock 3 Controller ($54.99)
Patriot 4GB Mini USB Drive ($24.99)

Upcoming Games:
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (June 12)
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed (September 16)
LittleBigPlanet (September)
Killzone 2 (September)
Resistance 2 (November)

June 3rd, 2008

Movies to watch

Just a quick list for myself here.

April 18 - Forgetting Sarah Marshall
April 25 - Harold and Kumar Escape From Guatanamo Bay
May 2 - Iron Man
May 22 - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (?)
June 27 - WALL-E, Wanted (?)
July 18 - The Dark Knight
August 8 - The Pineapple Express
August 15 - Star Wars: The Clone Wars
October 3 - Valkyrie (?)

The Future (and Videogames)

I was looking at the dreadful course selection sheet the other day, the so-called "improved" yellow sheet. Tentatively, this is what it looks like:

A History
B Spanish
C Religion
D Law
E Geography
F English
G Phys. Ed.
H Spare

There are a lot of issues that are brought about by this new sheet. Most of them are small ones regarding my own future; not much that affects others. The pink sheet, which many of us found to be the better course selection sheet, would've gave a schedule that looked like his.

A History
B Spanish
C Religion
D Law
E Geography
F Spare
G Phys. Ed.
H English

Is it right to have changed the course selection for the benefit of, I think it is, 4 people? I'm sure there are a lot of people now who have conflicts and schedules worse off. Was the change mandated at the consideration of the students who have their schedules worse off? Personally, it's a minor inconvenience, but what is the case for the other students? Is it really better off to trade away, what could be, the futures of a bigger number of students for the futures of 4? I don't think so.

Moving on, I'm not quite sure as to how University will look. I know that I'm going to end up going to UBC (for fear of letting my family down) and I know I'll be going into the Arts (because Science is too concrete in its teachings for my liking). From there, I don't know what I'll do. My three options are, as they stand: History, Political Science, and Journalism.

History is something that I think is really, really interesting. Now, anything before the 1900s isn't of much interest too me. These days are changing times and things from the 19th century, I find, aren't that relevant to me or the world stage (regarding which, I may be wrong). University history offers a lot of recent history be it from wartime or the political climate. I'm all up for that kind of learning, of which interests me, but I fear that the application of a degree in history are bare bones. Sure there are always the positions of "Curator" or "Historian", but how common are those to find? Will a degree in history hinder my employment options? I hope not.

Political Science is something that, I hope, I can use to change the world. It sounds cheesy, doesn't it? Truth be told, since sixth grade I've always wanted to do something about the world. It started with the hope that conflicts in the Middle East be resolved and, when that went to hell, I thought that change couldn't be brought about so easily. I was right to an extent; power is the only thing that can bring about change on a global sale. Political Science, I dream, is the degree that will launch myself into the political atmosphere and foster a platform of change. It may be a pipe dream, but it's a dream I hope I can one day achieve.

Journalism is the ideal degree for being realistic in terms of employment. The thing is, though, is that it isn't one of my flairs. I've been told I'm good at writing but my passions don't lie with journalism and the associated media. It's a steady and beneficial future with a journalism degree, but it's not something I would love with all my heart.

---

Changing the topic now, I want to pour some of my thoughts regarding videogames (and I guess electronics). There are a lot of things I'm saving for now, and this, I would guess, is a good platform to jot down my notes. Read if you want.

Xbox 360 wise, there are not a lot of games I feel I need to buy. The games I have preocuppy me well. Rock Band is still a game I'm striving for completion in. During Spring Break, I hope to have achieved completion in the Band World Tour and all the associated Achievements. The only things to be completed, then, are the achievements for solo campaigns in hard drums as well as expert drums and guitar. The Orange Box is something that will be quite taxing in terms of completion. Consisting of five games, it's something that's going to take up a lot of my time. I think I'll go through each game on weekends and try to complete it slowly. Medal of Honor: Airborne I will, hopefully, complete the campaign by the end of Spring Break and not get too involved into the online multi-player. I have enough games to complete. Mass Effect is still on the backburner; an RPG is too taxing to complete now. I may return it.

On the Playstation 3 front, there are a lot of games I want to get. Truth be told, I've been neglecting the PS3. Off the top of my head are Uncharted: Drake's Fortune, Resistance: Fall of Man, and, when it hits, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. At first glance, that's a hefty load at almost $200. The only game that I know I will be getting at launch price is MGS4 because there is a lot of hype that has been generated regarding it and, I know, that it's all justified. But, it doesn't arrive until June 12th, so there's plenty of time to save for it. What's next is a Dualshock 3 controller and at $55, is something that I won't be getting anytime soon. I don't have many multi-player games anyway so it would just be a rotting investment for the time being. On the PSP front, there's God of War: Chains of Olympus to get for about $35 but before I invest time into that, I still need to beat Patapon.

As for miscellaneous electronics, there are two things I'm saving for. The first is an 8 GB USB Flash Drive. At $40 at NCIX, this is a steal. It would be used, mostly, for file transfers to-and-from the PS3. 8 GB comes with, not only convenience, but security in that certain memories will not be lost easily. The second is an Asus eee. These ultra-portable laptops are something that will help tremendously at school. The price is an issue when deciding which model to get, though. The 8GB, at 7 inches, is a steal at $500. I'd rather have the 9 inch model, although I don't know how much that would set me back. I think I'll have enough by the end of summer.

Nostalgic Tunes

Last.fm says that these are my top 20 played songs since September 2005.

1. You're Beautiful; James Blunt (1536 Plays)
2. November Rain; Guns N' Roses (829 Plays)
3. I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love; Chicago (775 Plays)
4. Will You Still Love Me?; Chicago (623 Plays)
5. Chasing Cars; Snow Patrol (598 Plays)
6. It's All Coming Back to Me Now; Meat Loaf and Marion Raven (591 Plays)
7. Always; Bon Jovi (560 Plays)
8. Hello; Lionel Richie (549 Plays)
9. Patience; Guns N' Roses (438 Plays)
10. Look Away; Chicago (424 Plays)
11. Everything; Lifehouse (424 Plays)
12. Goodbye My Lover; James Blunt (407 Plays)
13. Wonderful Tonight; Eric Clapton (368 Plays)
14. I Don't Want to Miss a Thing; Aerosmith (365 Plays)
15. Don't Cry (Original); Guns N' Roses (360 Plays)
16. We Can Last Forever; Chicago (357 Plays)
17. I'll Be There For You; Bon Jovi (355 Plays)
18. Ache; James Carrington (351 Plays)
19. Don't Cry (Alternate); Guns N' Roses (327 Plays)
20. Open Arms; Journey (322 Plays)

The first real rock song doesn't show up until 41; Estranged by Guns N' Roses with 212 plays.

The Blower's Daughter

I watched Closer early Saturday morning. It was an excellent movie. It had a cast of four and the story was the highlight of the movie. To be able to love and to lose and then to love again. A conflict of interests between four people. To feel sincere and to act on impulse or to love completely and not love at all.

"And so it is, just like you said it would be. Life goes easy on me most of the time. And so it is; the shorter story; no love, no glory. No hero in her sky."

Love itself is complex. What is love, really? Chemical imbalance? True emotion? Purely speculative? Can you truly love somebody you like? Lust? Hate? Does love come about truly spontaneously? Can it be felt eventually? Is it all a designation of mind depending on the person?

Is it love to be drawn to somebody without a reason? Without a one that can be designated a reason instead of a "just because" or an "I don't know"? Is it love to have strayed to long another, only to have returned to the one? Is there not a reason for a straying? Is the reason for the longing all the more stronger because of the return? Is it worth the trouble of time to wait at all, to stand by in quiet uttering the quiet, "yes" and complimenting the simple fact? Is it worth a wait, if only to be shot down, if at all the case?

What of unrequited love? Abraham Cowley writes, "A mighty pain to love it is, and 'tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all pains, the greatest pain it is to love but love in vain." There are always the situations in which this arises, to which the suitor simply relents and abandons the cause. Perhaps with time the pain will recede. Still, though, there are the times when the feeling does not go.

"And so it is, just like you said it should be. We'll both forget the breeze most of the time. And so it is; the colder water, the blower's daughter the pupil in denial."

I've heard the words of unrequited love in music. From Bell Bottom Blues to Layla. But the most prominent comes about in Don't Cry (the words themselves perhaps advice): "I thought I could live in your world as years all went by. With all the voices I've heard, something has died. And when you're in need of someone my heart won't deny you. So many seem so lonely with no one left to cry to."

Nevermind the quiet chord progressions made into arpeggios or the solo ending and starting on the same not. The words still ring true regardless of the times or the circumstances or the cast. It's chilling to hear the song again and again, maybe because of personal relevance or maybe because the song is that powerful. Whatever it is, it must be one of the two to have left such an indelible mark.

But to forget it all is something impossible. For somebody as sentimental as myself, I could not bring myself to forget. To forget is to lose something and loss is something I fear. I guess that's why I keep the little things, regardless of how important they were. They bring back the memories and when I forget them, they'll still be there to jog the mind. Even if I could forget it all, I wouldn't.

"Oh, did I say that I loathe you? Did I say that I want to leave it all behind?"

As I've always said, there's always hope. But who knows how far hope can go to prolong the inevitable? Is it even favourable? The inevitable hardly ever is. The optimist can't help but thinking there will be bluer skies while the pessimist can't help but thinking that there will be more rain.

"I can't take my mind off of you... my mind... my mind..."

And it all ties together, doesn't it?

Childhood's End

It started with a bass pedal, cracked three-quarters of the way down. Perhaps symbolic, perhaps not. A reminder now of a day I'd rather not remember now.

From then it moved to how I take things for granted or how I hold money in such low regard or how I'll turn out like my uncles. It's always about the faults I have and never about how I was raised. Always about the here-and-now and never about the whens-and-hows or the whys-and-whos. It was about money. It's always about money.

And then a confrontation. They'd take it away had I not defended it. How stupid that was. Why defend plastic? Why silicon? Why metal? On their own they are nothing important. Together, they are why I am not motivated. They are why I sleep the days away, why I never finish my homework, why my priorities are so messed up.

I defended it and I goaded them the whole time. They came to take it away but I defended it as a mother would defend her child. How stupid. Why defend a cold chunk of metal with your life? Why not give away that which causes you strife? I should have been asked this before. I acted irrationally, acted without thinking of the consequences. I justified it by thinking that I was not compromising, thinking that saving this would uphold my motto of "never compromising". And I never compromised, but I lost it all.

It still goes downhill from here. The words came in flurries and they pierced and I bled. The words resounded and stabbed with much more than I had felt. The truth hurt. "Live your life the way you want it but don't come crying to us if you fail," or "When you've proven yourself to not have screwed up your life, we'll be happy," or "It's your life and your problems."

They were harsh critiques, strong words. I knew they were true and I knew my life had been problematic for some time. The procrastination, the sloth, the failure to realize that I had been helped. They were all there, but I did not move towards fixing this. Perhaps the ignorance was too blissful. Nonetheless, the cold bliss came crashing down when I heard these words.

It was abandonment. To lose the support, however minimal it may have been, you've had all these years. To have those who raised you abandon you like some rejected child. I've not experienced true loss in my lifetime and as such, it is something I fear. To be deliberately abandoned like that, to have been designated a lost cause deals all the more an equal, if not worse, blow. To be the one lost is the pain.

I question myself now. Am I a good son? Have I ever been? If I had, then this never would have happened. This could have been avoided if I had known were i stood. Am I a good brother? I never would have lost influence if I had been one. Am I a good person? God knows why I act so differently sometimes, without regard or without care, and then compassionate other times. Do I deserve to be here? I could have easily been raised in poverty. What of my friends? They would not understand the magnitude. What then of me?

I'm too fucked up to even try to reconcile.

Life, Lessons, and Love

I've been thinking over the last few days or so. There have been a lot that I've been thinking about. Life, lessons, love; whatever the average teenager thinks about. I think it's best to take note of my reflections.

Life and Loss

Regarding life, there is much to say. They all say that "life is too short," and to "make the most of it". They are absolutely correct. Three weeks ago, I learnt that a life can go as quickly as it came, that life is something that should be valued. I had found out that the person who I would consider my best friend, from the first year I came to Saint Patrick's Elementary until the year he left, had passed on. The circumstances I do not know exactly, and I will not speculate for the sake of respect for him. It is not his passing for which I mourn him, for when he had gone we were but strangers. No, it is his memory for which I mourn.

The days of old when a triumvirate of friends would spend countless hours together, remembered only by the photos. The parties and the games that came with them. The camaraderie and friendship that came out of these experiences. Those are the memories that only now I try to cling to. I cannot help that; we remember the negative experiences more often than the positive ones. There is one negative experience that signals the end of our friendship and, in retrospect, the catalyst for my guilt.

He left in seventh grade. I had the task of telling him that I had his school photos. He replied and, from what I remember, it did not sit well with me. It may have been in jest; I never pick up on that. And then I proliferated an image between my friends, one that portrayed him as not wanting to associate with us. It was stupid. It was out of bitterness. We didn't talk, we never talked. Time went by and I would jest at his expense, perhaps out of bitterness. His new style or his new name were concepts I was not inhibited of mocking. And I regret it fully.

I should have talked to him, found out his e-mail, made an attempt to reconnect. I didn't. He's gone. And it is my loss for that. But that loss does not come solely with regret or anything associated with the negative feelings of loss. The loss of a friend, literally and figuratively, comes with guilt placed upon me. I did not make an attempt to reach out to a best friend. I shall never have the chance, now. This will never get to you, bud, but I'm sorry.

Life and Perspective

That issue being taken care of, I'd like to reflect on life now and the perspective I have of life at this moment. Regarding highschool, there is not much time to do anything now. Like a teacher has said, once you realize that highschool is one of the best parts of your life, you're already three years in or, at the very most, graduating. These types of facts come by in my mind often but I never really have the time to think about them or reflect.

Highschool, I would say, is divided into three stages. The first is fitting in. This comes in Grades 8, 9, and maybe some of Grade 10. You find your cliques in which you associate with. You familiarize yourself with the people who you'll eventually hang out with in the future. You decide on your friends for the next couple of years. The second stage is getting by. I'd say this comes around by Grade 10 and 11. You just live your life as you would in any other way. You hang out with your friends, you develop rivalries and the subsequent drama, you take life one thing at a time. The third stage is realization and regret. A time where you think of what could have been and come to realize your time in highschool is coming to an end. This is by Grades 11 and 12. You're focused on the future and you start to think about what to do in the year or two you have left. Not many people are here yet, I would assume.

Being in this so-called "third stage" has me thinking about myself and other, maybe even the relation between the two subjects. I regret a lot of things and I only see it now, after thinking about the past so much. Living life day to day, taking everything as it comes has you miss certain big pictures. Go to this party now, play some videogames tomorrow. What happens in the long run? Get behind on your homework and miss out on some time you could be outside with your friends. Self-gratification is something that overrides the priorities for the future and to be quite frank, it sucks sometimes.

At the end of it all, you miss a lot. You only realize it when it's too late. The what-ifs start to pile up. When you start to move to take action to amend these, it's too late. Your friends have moved on, classmates have moved away, somebody's lived their life fast. Perspective is something that helps to see where you are at. Like a teacher's said, take a look at what you have, make your move, and then look at where you are. From there, make your next move. All comes in due time.

The Class and Camaraderie

You may find that I use this word a lot. "Camaraderie". What does it mean? Merriam-Webster's defines it as "a spirit of friendly good-fellowship." Is there not a word that describes our class more to a T? Is it not something that rings true for the collective attitude for the class, regardless of where we all stand?

We may not be a close class, but we are a class that gets by without the extreme prejudices or hatred that may fuel the conflict within other classes. We all have our enemies and the people who we dislike; I have many. Yet, in fellowship with each other, we all get along. We all show "a spirit of friendly good-fellowship," regardless of who the person is. We don't see it at first, but it's there upon further reflection.

There are jocks, the popular guys, nerds, and the people who fit in to either class. Likewise, there are the highly-popular "plastic" girls, the "elitist" group of girls, the everywomen, and the ones that socialize within their own groups. I'm not labelling anybody, just calling it as it is. Still, the beauty of it all is that, like pieces in a jigsaw, we all fit in to create the bigger picture. The jocks hang with the nerds because they both play videogames. The everymen hang with the popular guys because there is a sense of being down-to-earth shared by both. The "plastics" hang with the "elitists" because there are some bonds of friendship that cannot be broken. The everywomen hang with the others because they can relate to each other.

There are divisions within the class, yes, but those are just within cliques. By nature, the popular people have their drama. In contrast, the nerds have their own fair share of division and prejudice toward each other. Still, though, there is a camaraderie between all walks of life in our class. I'm glad that this exists; I wouldn't want to have a segregated class to the degree of certain grades. I can think of at least one example.

Love and the Nerds

Here is a highly selfish section within my reflections. They are mostly lamentations or expressions of grief or sadness. But to have a reflection, one must reflect on a diverse array of subjects. The exception of love would not be a rational reflection, especially considering the person that I am.

There is much to be said of love: what causes it, what it is, why it occurs, to whom it occurs to, the nature of love, the false pretence of love. Within this reflection, I will talk of the grief of love. It is not something that the happiest of lovers experience; they are in the smallest minority. Rather, the grief of love is shared by all walks of life. All who have been stung by the arrow of Cupid will have felt the grief shed on a lost love.

I, myself, have felt the grief of love for the better part of a highschool life. I can trace the origins well, but the origins of this love are not important for the topic. Simply: I was drawn, I pursued, I hoped, I asked, I fell, I retreated, and I was drawn once again. Perhaps it is the nature of her person; she is everything one such as myself should ask for. She needs not the overbearing hint of accentuated beauty; rather, hers lies subtle both in her smile and her words. She is smart, a thinker, somebody who I know I could never match up to. Perhaps it is something else. Surely logic should dictate that one must retreat and never remember why she turns you down. Still, though, I try.

I am not a person who will have matched wits with the sharpest of IQs or one who will have been compared to the men in movies or one who will have been graced by the blessing of plentiful abundance. Nerd though I am, not by self-declaration but rather by association, my qualities are flawed. Yes, I think well to match some but they are quickly defeated without a second assertion. Yes, I am not one who would be placed in a circus of rejects but I care not for my well-being as others would. Yes, I have my share of gifts and things for which I have worked, but I come from a family of hard work and tired eyes.

Perhaps it is the stigma of being seen with the nerd. Highschool society thrives on the standing of its beings. A queen does not benefit by marrying a peasant. Likewise, the peasant cannot live up to the glamour and splendour of the queen and her life. In this case, there is hope for whatever shall come after highschool. Perhaps it is the concrete fact that, as she has said herself, she is not ready. The optimist says that the door is open. The pessimist says that the words are just a gentle fall from the high point. I look to the optimist for hope. I wait and for every time I do, I prolong whatever the final outcome is. If only for hope.

Some walks I wish I could share. The night lights to illuminate a smile, the quiet sounds to ease away the day's stresses, the aromatic coffee to delight the senses, the newfound talk to acquaint the two. Highschool is not the time for these. Neither time nor circumstance dictate this as the norm. It is only wishful thinking that I delight in. Perhaps this will come one day. Perhaps the day shall come when the nerd and the conformist are strangers and the only acquaintance is the quiet one who would rather talk than stray.

Would it change anything if she knew any of this? I do not know. I should not know. If it did, I would gladly take the opportunity to make the most of the chance. If it did not, I would still wait. I would talk and wait until I was affirmed that I was wasting my time. Or I would talk and wait until there was something more. If only for the hope.

Friendship and Regrets

There are regrets that come out of the last few years. Friendships come and go. I should let you know that I am an introvert. I will talk for hours on MSN or have the quiet chats between singular peers, but in a social environment I am not myself. I am happy to say that I have built up rigid friendships with people. Of the ones whom I share much, I am happy.

Still, I have lost more than I have gained. I have lost the elementary friends who were instrumental in helping me become the person I am today. Now, I am but an acquaintance to some of them. For others, I have tried to rebuild what was had. I have been met with some success in this front but, for others, doors have been closed. It is not something that I am too keen on having happen but I, simply, am not in control of the reactions of others. Perhaps I have changed too much. Perhaps I am not the person they befriended all those years ago.

I regret not making the most of friendships. They come once in a lifetime, each one unique and offering their own hints on life. I regret my ignorance on days when I did not think to converse. For every silent moment, a moment of friendship was lost. I regret the things that I have seemed to act on impulse. I am not the person who I wish to be on some days, bending to the social pressure. I regret the loss. It takes a handshake to establish friendships but to mend them, it takes an apology.

***

And so I conclude my reflections. The days have been good, though in a perfect world they would be so much better. As it stands, the perfect days are impossible. One can only make the most of the imperfections, turning a soiled painting into abstract art. In the same vein of thought, I can only hope to improve the many flaws I have developed.

In thought I leave the reflections of my mind. In writing, I leave the door open for the reflection of yours.