Last Entry of 2008

Well here it is, the moment we've all been waiting for: the year is just about finished and we're just about to move into 2009. I can't say that 2008 has been good; I think it's had its shares of highs and lows, but more of the lows.

As in accordance with my life's turn of events, a lot of this year has been about my inability to prioritize things in my life: school, faith, family, friendships, and even the trivial things like playing the guitar or videogames. All it ended up being was catch-up and consolations; I can't say I like that. In fact, I will say that I hate it. I've disappointed a lot of people with this procrastinator's mentality: myself, my family, my friends, teachers. I must change this.

Where there was also loss of willpower and work ethic, there was also loss of others in life. This year has been full off loss all around and just being in the community exposes it to me. Two stick out to me this year: one in the beginning of the year and one near the end. I won't mention names out of respect but it truly does disappoint me that this year, as promising as people make it out to be, only gives out pain. For them, and for all we lost this year, rest in peace.

Perhaps like my parents, I've been estranged from some of the closer friends in my life whether it be of my own alienation or of their unknown motives. Truth be told, it sucks to know that you ended up alienating your own friends, ones that you've known for the better part of your life. What hurts more, though, is your friends forcing the end of a friendship for their own selfish suppositions where they can not see the error of their ways and disposition. Maybe it is better that way.

Faith has been a rollercoaster ride this year. As with every year, I resolved to re-establish my faith life with God. I can say that I did that this year and this happened with Senior Peer Ministry as well as Encounter XXVI. But, as others often say, there will always be the period after the religious high where you come crashing down to Earth. That's happened to me three times this year: once after the Senior Peer Minsitry retreat, once after Encounter XXVI, and the last after Encounter XXVII. I will say I'm disappointed in myself for not making a more conscious effort to retain some of the things I promised myself; I hope the year will change.

Friendships took a drastic turn this year. As with other people, I branched out to a more "real world" environment. The social action against Scientology was a major catalyst in this. It brought me friendships with like-minded people that I still hold today; I am happy because of this. It is good to be exposed to the world that will follow out of this bubble-world of private school. I've cultivated my own friendships within school too, fostering them out of acquaintance and receiving more than I thought.

What can I say about love? As always, I've been disappointed. I came close though, and for that I am happy, regardless of how things turned out. While it may have been the reason for my Sonnets, it's something that I wish I could eternally hold dear. It's a double-edged sword, I guess.

I must change my life, that much is sure. My resolutions are as follows:

1. Set my priorities in my life.
   
2. Do not do things last minute; plan ahead and take responsibility for my homework, work, and other responsibilities that I may have.
3. Do not alienate others and truly relish the friendships I have now; do not lose what I must hold so dear.
   
4. Build on the faith I re-established with God. Go to every Sunday mass and the two days of obligations.
5. Stay connected with family and hold a good relationship with them; that means mom, pa, Roy, and Nanay.
   
6. Set my goals and actually follow through in the process and execution of the goals.
7. Get in shape and do not neglect to take care of myself.
   

Here's to a good 2009!

Sonnet XXI

For five long years it has been cold and bleak;
Perhaps it more, I was never so sure
If that was true or if it be so weak
A lie that time has forced me to endure.
I've gone and searched to fill this aging void
With what I turned to love in my posthaste;
Though it has not returned I have enjoyed
The feigning joys of love that I had chased.
But looking back I know I worked in vain;
No love did come to me in those five years.
The aches of heart, not theirs, on this campaign
Has driven me to cry these made-up tears.
I shall not chase the dreams my heart creates;
I tire waiting for illusioned dates.

Sonnet XX

As always, now I fall to wistful thought:
Love that was found once in a quickened haze,
Or feelings sent of love that was distraught,
Or my affects not caught by hazel gaze.
I sought to gain what I had never had,
Be it the grace of beauty in her strides
Or flush of mind in secret glamour clad
Or poetry she writes, but then she hides.
Oh I have cried no tears for these three deaths
Of likely bonds that I may never hold!
They do not cry for me beneath their breaths
For they have found their loves in better gold.
If they be silver, I present my rust
So I may fade 'gainst other lovers' lust.

Sonnet XIX

Perhaps these words would serve as futile spears
That dented not the heart but warming air,
And if they be then I be moved to tears
That fall not for a loss but her lacked care.
I fear she does not know what lies beneath
These cloaked-and-daggered rhymes, or if she know
At all that these be writ 'neath cunning's sheath
For her to see affections on new snow.
But then my thoughts draw far from ill-struck hope
And wander in the quiet stars of peace;
That she might know the gravity and scope
Of these and let my heart rest now with ease.
To you, I call, reflect my growing plight
With words of yours or ease me from your sight.

Sonnet XVIII

What once was dead has found its way to life;
Some tear-stained words were born on those blue clouds.
Now this poor past has come to walk past strife
And come to terms with thoughts once drowned in shrouds.
I wrote her once, or twice, some months ago,
Some words transposed on blue clouds like her own.
But I assumed she did not read or know
Of what I wrote that night. How had I known
It was withheld for her to see with time?
I stand the fool in judging with blind thoughts
That she be feigning in this misled crime.
Her sincere words succeed these twisted knots.
So let us talk and share what we did once.
Let closure take the place of wrong silence.

Sonnet XVII

If time had stayed a guest in our fair days,
Instead of walking to its pacing march
And bringing us along to change our ways,
Then I would wait to finish this love's arch.
And if the days would wait and stay awhile
While I thought ways to build from out of naught,
Then this be true: I'd love your growing smile
While Cupid's stylings send affections taught.
But as it stands, time forces me along
And days grow short with Winter's looming air.
Though in this rush, these feelings do grow strong
While trembling eyes look to your heart as fair.
So by time's hand I do extend my own
To ask of yours to walk past the unknown.

Sonnet XVI

That day where minds did wander tinted hues
A pact was signed, though not of ink but word.
Wherein one'd paint with whites on blacks and blues
The other'd draw with rhythm formed absurd.
In telling now, no pretence is displayed;
No gifts of intellect are standing near.
Incessant ramblings move to be arrayed;
These nothings can't be set to be so dear:
For sands of time must pass for wisdom's growth
And words much be exchanged for sentiment
To be of worth. O, this be true of both
Agreed, else turn to a quaint detriment.
These words precurse that promised, forming verse.
Upon return, these words will reimburse.

Sonnet XV

In truth, I did not think it pass as quick
As fate would make it so. It was profound
And shapèd thoughts that dealt with love born sick;
Why then time's haste to set it in the ground?
Perhaps it be to move from that which hurt,
As chancing love does often strike quick blows
To gambling hearts which sooner may revert
To wand'ring wastes, dead under newborn snows.
Or maybe then to wish them well to do
In unity where discord once was set.
Still yet, perchance, of chances to renew
Acquaintance where now sits this cold regret.
Alas it be of finding what may be
Or else teased truth where dimming eyes do see.

Sonnet XIV

The men of old did say that time heals all
With its own passing through the path of days.
Though time be old, it shows no greys that call
To full attent how age has had its ways.
And this be true of love with its own plan:
From time to time the errs in number grow
And judgement sorts the king from peasant man;
Learned lessons stem from unrequited woe.
But he moves on from mem'ries once of love,
Yet too of pain, and loves that never were.
Remembrances, with time, do fly above
That wistful soul when thoughts anew do stir.
Now with his hand, take yours and bid adieu
To this poor soul, who's started now anew.